Thank you letter

Dear Korea,

These past 12 months have been a trip of a lifetime. Maybe trip isn't the best word to describe this experience since this year of work became life as I know it. It became my familiar routine and my mundane everyday existence. Looking back, I never expected to be sitting here, writing my last blog with a mindset of complete and utter certainty that you (Korea) would be ready and willing to have me back for one final lap. It's funny to think that these kids I've been teaching 5 days a week for 12 months have all grown up and changed drastically from when I first timidly, walked into class. Seeing these young, studious Korean children for the first time, properly positioned in their chairs with face masks and straight black bangs, I was confident, in that moment, homogeneity would be my nemesis.

As it turns out, having students choose their own English name came as a hilarious yet beneficial tool to facilitate my memory and effortlessly allow me to differentiate between them. Bangs or no bangs, facemask or no facemask, there was no way I was mistaking Harry Potter with Michael Jackson, or Screech with Obama. I slowly became more and more familiar with each student, their new yet impractical English name and their sweet yet boisterous personalities. I knew I was in for a year of attempting to teach these children English, but what I didn't know was how much I was able to learn from them.

Korea, your timeless architecture, traditional values and squatter toilets intrigue me. They are all what make you unique, yet reinforce your seemingly outdated and conventional ideals. Your social progressiveness is far from what is common in North America but your willingness to learn from us foreigners and welcome us in your country make you exceptional.

So, what I really want to say is, thank you. Thank you for serving 120 different side dishes before the actual meal even though the table is the size of a wooden television stand. Thank you for inventing "Teachers Day" where acceptable gifts consist of olive oil, spam, socks and couple set underwear. Thank you for encouraging couples to dress the exact same, head to toe thus giving us foreigners reason to lovingly punch each other in the arm every time a couple set appears in our peripheral vision. Thank you for NOT hiring a translator before printing English words on shirts and then selling them. Thank you Koreans for unknowingly buying those shirts walking around the streets with printed tees that read, "Abortions suck dick", "Mr. Shit Ass", "Break a reg", and "Boners" (there are plenty more where that came from)! I want to thank my Korean students for their hilariously spot on comments. After 2 minutes of flailing my long limbs around the room to demonstrate a Tornado, I thought I had given a pretty decent explanation of what natural disasters entail. Asking each student to name the scariest one, a student answers, "My Mother", with a justification of, "she is natural and sometimes makes my life a disaster". Brilliant.

Thank you for charging less than 1 Canadian dollar for a bottle of Soju and thank you for placing picnic benches outside mini stops and 711's for our convenience. Thanks for building mini stops and 711s on virtually every corner, just in case one store doesn't have any more chomchy kimbop left. Thank you for selling booze in each of those corner stores 24 hours a day and not judging us when we decide to cheap out one night and shotgun beers in the cooler section every hour. Thank you for introducing me to the Kings game thus enabling me to meet all of my current Korean friends. I never thought I'de say this, but thank you for the blatant stares because when we actually do participate in outrageous activities (wear animal costumes to the bar on a random Thursday night, dress up as a tampon box for halloween or walk out of the restaurant bathroom with a mile long string of toilet paper purposely dragging behind us), no one seems to really give a shit. Thank you, Koreans, for pronouncing the letter "Z" as a "J" and making me laugh every time we talk about the Zoo in class.

I specifically want to thank those middle aged Korean businessmen who get so wasted that their co workers need to drag their limp bodies and red faces home, in turn, making me feel less bad about my drinking habits. Thank you Korea, for your efficient bus system, beautiful mountains and your bizarre obsession with hair and phone accessories. Last but certainly not least, thank you for giving me the privilege of having the most unique nickname one shall ever receive just because my real name is so seemingly close to the Korean translation of "Birth Canal".

There are plenty of memories I will hold dear to me, some which are a little hazy, and some just not worth remembering at all. Consequently, there are a few things which I will not so much miss but without, my whole experience would be incomplete. I will not miss your smelly fish markets, or your eccentric food culture. Korea, it is not necessary to devour every single body part (inside and out) of a chicken and seriously, what good will come from eating a live octopus? Domesticated animals should be cared for, NOT EATEN or DIED every color of the rainbow.

I won't miss your oppressive summer heat or those horrific soju hangovers. I certainly will not miss your abundance of squatter toilets, or the fact that flushing toilet paper is an unnecessary and unheard of act. I will not miss bringing my own toilet paper to the bathroom since apparently it is a rare and expensive commodity. I won't miss paying 4,000 won for a cup of coffee especially when the cup is merely half full. I wont miss trying to explain to the barista that I ordered a size large coffee for a reason and no I would not like you to just add more boiling water to my drink. That's gross. I surely will not miss holding my breath in a cab every time the driver decides to go through a stop sign or red light or that repulsive horking sound older Korean men make and expect those in close proximity to just ignore.

Although I have become more comfortable with it now, I will not miss your scolding of students or the fact that these children attend 4 to 5 schools a day. I definitely will not miss calling my students every night and being hung up on 7 out of 10 times because the child's parent doesn't speak a word of English or even consider that maaaybe their kid who attends 4 different English academies might be the reason for the call. I won't miss your one and only genre of music (K-pop)... okay... fine... I might miss it a little, but I unquestionably won't miss hearing the same dreadfully catchy jingles that I find myself subconsciously humming incessantly. While the experience is an authentic one, I will not miss sitting on the floor of restaurants and in turn not being able to feel below my waste for the remainder of the night. Lastly, I absolutely, 100% won't ever miss the horrific stench of beondegi (silk worms) engulfing the city streets day and night.

It's been 12 perpetually long months since I could order a sub or even a pizza to my own home. 12 months since I could read the signs in the aisles of the grocery store. 12 months since I could actually understand television commericals or watch Oprah give away her favorite things. It's been a lengthy 12 months that in reality flew by right under me. In 12 months I've made some truly incredible friends, experienced a whole new culture and even learned how to plunge a toilet.

It has been a great run Korea! I'm now leaving you, with amazing memories, strange socks and one back pack. There will be one less weyguken to partake in the day to day hilarities of living in a foreign country, one less person to convince to go out with on a Wednesday night and one less Jew in Gwangju. But don't fret Korea... more Jews will come! :)

Have a healthy and happy 2011.

See you next year!

Signing off,

Birth Canal OUT! xxoo